


Veritas Dolor

by CousinGreek



Category: Sonic the Hedgehog - All Media Types
Genre: Comfort/Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Memories, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Shadow and Maria being siblings, Shadow/Rouge Friendship, Suicide Attempts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-18
Updated: 2019-06-18
Packaged: 2020-05-14 10:32:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19271464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CousinGreek/pseuds/CousinGreek
Summary: He could piece most of it together now from data log entries and testimonials. The underlying and suppressed memories were never as subtle in their attempts to stay hidden.





	Veritas Dolor

**Author's Note:**

> AMAZING ART by my friend stipperlamb at https://oksoidontdrawasmuchasishould.tumblr.com/post/185416805792/somethin-kinda-sad-based-on-a-tip-secret-thing-by  
> It should be noted that this story is going to cover some graphic topics tagged, so, just be advised.  
> The Song is When I Fall In Love by Nat King Cole.

“You're doing so well, Shadow.”

The hedgehog lay on his side, a thick blanket wrapped around his thin frame. He'd only been free of his development period for a handful of days now. He was beginning to approach his goal weight and muscle mass. As for now, he continued to be subject to spinal taps and blood tests. His creator, Dr. Gerald Robotnik, was a docile gray-mustached man and was no stranger to answering the occasional question thrown his way.

Shadow curled in on himself to allow Gerald to insert one last syringe into the skin under his darkening pelt. He learned about humans and their species and the mechanisms that went into his creation, but there was still something that plagued him.

“Doctor?”

Gerald hummed in acknowledgement as he organized vials of blood into a centrifuge.

“What is my purpose?”

The man flipped his machine on and abandoned it to its task. With an aged smile, he withdrew the now empty vial of fluid from Shadow’s back and rubbed the sore area. Shadow was free of his daily check-up once more and subsequently faced his creator. Gerald took to playfully scratching under the hedgehog’s chin, rewarded with an almost inaudible purr.

“My granddaughter and others down on our planet are very sick with a rare disease. You are destined to be the cure.”

“May I meet her? Your granddaughter?”

The professor pushed his spectacles back up the bridge of his nose.

“In time, son.”

Shadow closed his eyes and smiled into the soothing pets, the faint melody of music from outside the metal doors helping him nod off.

* * *

The office wasn’t like one typically seen in the movies with a lounge to lay on and a nodding elderly woman there humming along as he spilled his heart out, asking the asinine ‘and how does that make you feel?’ or assuming his aversion to authority has to do with his estranged relationship with Black Doom.

He sipped at a mug of coffee provided to him and curled up opposite to a bearded dragon jotting down preliminary notes in a notebook. His office was warmly lit, crude scribbles and drawings of a small family taped to the wall over his desk. White noise from a fan along with the dribbles of a fish tank helped soothe the hedgehog and relax the muscles in his back. They tensed every time he stepped foot in the reception area, no matter how hard he tried to stay calm.

The other Mobian in the room that paid no mind to his title and allowed all clients to call him Dietrich as they pleased. Dr. Agnor was far too formal for his liking. The reptile clicked his pen and grabbed his own mug of tea.

“How are you today, Shadow?”

“Alright I suppose.” he shrugged and admired the others’ potted ferns and rubber fig.

Dietrich nodded. Shadow braced himself for the dreaded questioning ahead that came with his updated medical history.

“You checked into the hospital for some mental health concerns, care to share what happened?”

He had known Dietrich for well over six months, divulging him in everything from his lengthy past to the day-to-day emotions he dealt with. Against his first judgement, speaking with a licensed professional was much more soothing the more he welcomed it. At the order and advice from Commander Towers, Shadow was to visit for mental health concerns at least twice a month. This was their 14th visit so far. Confidentiality was a sullen two-way street they walked on together every meeting. Sometimes Shadow would reveal the most repressed thoughts that entered his mind and their persuasion and receive a wellness check by GUN officials the next morning. There was no doubt that he would be getting one tomorrow as well.

“It was after a mission and I just…” he paused, carefully choosing his words from the myriad of graphic and gruesome descriptors ticking through his mind, “couldn’t handle it. Rouge took me to the hospital and they drained my stomach.”

“What was your method?”

“Some benzos I got from my psychiatrist.”

Dietrich nodded, expression free of judgement and confusion. Shadow ran through three other therapists that never seemed to connect to him. All turned out to have their head up their own ass, have a snide way of looking at his past and subsequent actions of the present, or tried too hard to dance around the subject of his compulsive behaviors using sugar-coated language. His current therapist was a welcome change to the bullshit tiptoeing he encountered so much. Most others in society that knew of Shadow were terrified to speak against him or judge his reasoning. For Dr. Agnor, he wasn’t afraid to tell Shadow when he’s royally fucked up and likely put the well-being of others in danger, and for that, Shadow respected him enough to stay.

It never made opening up any easier, though.

“When you felt the pain beginning to come over you, did you consider changing your scenery by say, going for a run or picking up one of your new hobbies?”

Painting was a nice way to get out of his mind for a while, but mixing hues and picking the right brushes for his canvas were at the back of his mind while downing an entire bottle of Valium.

“No.”

“I know you prefer when I’m honest, so I’ll tell you now that your actions have more consequences than you think. It’s easy to forget that when in the moment, but it hurts to see a loved one in your position.”

“I’m not getting better.” Shadow announced, “I keep feeling good for a while and then I pull shit like that and a new hospital bill rolls in and makes me even more depressed every time I have to pay it.”

Dietrich removed his glasses and rubbed his eyes before the hedgehog could complete his sentence. He sighed and looked into the exhausted eyes of his client.

“You’re a very strong person, Shadow. Not everyone will understand your choices, but you’re given one body and you’re only hurting it for something you couldn’t have helped. It’s like spanking a child when they have behavioral problems after growing up in abuse. It’s not their fault and it’s not yours either. But it _is_ up to you to use the tools given in our previous sessions and redirect your pain into something you can grow and thrive from. Cracks in the cement are only a burden until you realize that they allow the flowers to bloom.”

* * *

Shadow had lost count of the rigorous tests and trials he was put through, exposed to different viruses and pathogens over the past conscious year. The delighted gleam he would receive as Gerald announced a violent aversion to each disease gave Shadow pride that he was able to reflect the hard work of the professor. He’d been up against injections of live viruses from polio to DPT to yellow fever, all never developing into symptoms beyond the occasional cough or weakness.

Gerald tore himself away from his microscope and wrapped his arms around the young hedgehog at his side.

“Shadow my boy you’ve done it.”

His fellow biologists and chemists sighed in collective relief for the hedgehog’s immunity to a recent Streptococcus pneumoniae strain. With the final test of his baseline completed, he was finally approved for his first visit with his creator’s granddaughter.

Maria.

He couldn’t wait to meet her.

The following morning saw two intense baths, a steamed fur cleaning, and thorough scrubbing under his claws performed by Gerald himself. The air that filled his lungs as they passed into the airlock was immaculate. A symphony reverberated off of the painted walls as he and Gerald began their journey.

_When I fall in love, it will be forever_

_Or I'll never fall in love_

Shadow didn’t recognize the scientists he came to admire in civilian clothing. Some passed smiles to him while others stopped to ruffle the short fur of his head and congratulate him on completing his tribulations.

_In a restless world like this is,_

_Love is ended before it's begun._

_And too many moonlight kisses,_

_Seem to cool in the warmth of the sun._

His final stop with the professor took Shadow by surprise. He was aware that they were stationed on a space colony, but no knowledge could have prepared him for the first sight out of his stone cold box of a home.

_When I give my heart, it will be completely._

_Or I'll never give my heart._

His hand slipped from Gerald’s and the hedgehog padded over to the glass encompassing the observation deck. Brilliant hues of blue and brown and green filled his vision and his heart was fluttering. Swirls of white trudged slowly and separately from the planet’s own motion. Land below was dusted with golden bursts of light that outlined dense populations of...humans.

Humans, like Gerald and the other doctors on board.

Their home.

Shadow’s throat began to constrict. He had felt this emotion only once before upon being scared of his creator in a thick white wrinkled suit as he handled active diseases in the lab, but this time, it lacked the urge to recoil and escape. Instead, it fostered the need to further press himself against the barrier as if the view was retreating. He wiped his eyes and examined the wetness on his fingers.

_And the moment I can feel that you feel that way too,_

_Is when I fall in love with you._

Gerald called to him, and Shadow was finally introduced to who he presumed was his granddaughter.

Her first attribute he was taken aback by was the straw blonde hair caressing her face, strikingly different from the other inhabitants of the space colony. She donned a warm smile and pink nightgown. One of the sleeves was slipping down to expose the pale skin of her shoulder and neck. Shadow’s knees trembled as she made her way to him, pushing along in a wheelchair she required on her less-than-better days. Trailing behind her footfalls were both an oxygen tank and saline drip he was also familiar with. He became lost in the baby blue irises as vast as the oceans he had just admired. She was stunning. She was as beautiful as the planet below them.

The hedgehog sniffled and rubbed the heel of his palm into his eye.

“Don’t cry, Shadow.” she whispered to him. The touch of her hands in his blanketed comfort over him but couldn’t stop the tears from pattering against the metal plated flooring they stood upon.

The one he owed his creation for, meeting at last.

With a gasp from above, Shadow burrowed his face into her torso, eyes glazing back out to the distant stars in their galaxy.

“What is that place, Maria?”

_And the moment I can feel that you feel that way too,_

She slipped her arms around her new friend’s back, both gazing back out to the planet in question before them.

“This is Earth, Shadow.”

_Is when I fall in love with you._

* * *

The thick restraints over his wrists had begun to rub his skin raw of fur. His ankles were no better. He lay face down to the chilly metal table usually reserved for autopsy. The blood and fluid from botched injections and IV insertion had formed a small pool around his legs, the drain still stopped with a rubber cap. He was nothing more than a furred shell of bones. Local anaesthetics and sedatives alike made him lose track of time. The steady beeping from the pulse monitor and hissing of his respiratory machine kept him company through the endless days and nights he spent in limbo. His mouth had ran dry ages ago from the forced opening by feeding tube. The saliva that once pooled around his muzzle was dry. The muscles Gerald had worked so hard to grow from stem cells were beginning to become atrophied. Just as he had a sliver of hope and could begin to twitch his limbs again, a group of scientists and soldiers were hanging over him and replacing the vials of his drip.

_‘We can’t take any chances with him. If he somehow is able to free himself who knows the destruction he could bring.’_

_‘The Professor was in no place to even create such an abomination in the first place.’_

_‘When will physical testing begin?’_

_‘As soon as he knows who’s in charge.’_ another replied.

A sudden stab of pain ran through his back in waves, a cry ripping from his throat. His gaze was fixed on white lab coats as he was freed from the restraints and rolled onto his back. Another stab hit him in the abdomen. He couldn’t tell if his eyes were stinging from the tears threatening to emerge or from the bright lights of above.

With an ounce of strength, he looked to a familiar face and pleaded that his pain would express to the soldier at his side.

Shadow glazed over the name ‘TOWERS’ embroidered into the thick navy blue jacket. Indeed, there had been a younger boy on the ARK of the same name that would play with and tease Maria from time to time. Not much had been revealed to him about Project: SHADOW in his younger years, but Shadow trained his eyes on the other’s for what felt like an eternity of silence, pleading for an ounce of recollection. The young boy he knew couldn’t have been older than 20 at the time.

His knees bent carefully, no doubt due to the sedative’s reversal. The numbness of his arms was replaced with a prickling sensation. He slipped his fingers around the arm of a scientist closest to him holding vials of withdrawn blood in a case. He paid no mind to the disturbance until the grip became tighter, threatening to snap his bones like a twig.

_‘Stop him!’_

All were startled by the sound of shattering glass, attempting to contain the rogue bioweapon with catching poles coiled around his neck. Sharp jabs from what could be considered cattle prods struck his body until he was forced back down to the table by the scruff of his neck. The jolts of electricity convulsed his body until he was back to his usual state of lingering consciousness.

_‘This is not what Gerald had intended.’_

* * *

The juice from his canned lukewarm green beans have soaked through the bottom of his roll by the time he’s gotten through the unseasoned mashed potatoes. The dining room is flooded with the chatter of other Mobians. Rouge sits across from him in one of her more modest outfits of jeans and a sweater. Her name tag is stuck over her left breast, her status of ‘GUEST’ making him uncomfortably aware of his current living situation. He wasn't very pleased to see the drawstring of his sweatpants had been cut before being given to him in a brown grocery bag after check-in. No one but staff and guests wore shoes, shoelaces being forbidden as well. Some took to prison sandals--a fitting downgrade--or were like Shadow and had accepted the non-slip socks placed in his bag of checked items in lieu of his regular fire-hazard of skates. His spines were blunted for the time being as a hazard to other patients and himself, but he could sharpen them later.

Rouge had thankfully brought him another two books to go through, as he was on the last chapters of his latest Agatha Christie novel. She also managed to check in a few snacks for him and a small typed letter of encouragement from Omega. All the bot knew was that he was going through some stress and at a facility to help with that. The parallels not too distant from a prison were only known to Shadow, however.

“I met with my doctor today.”

Rouge smiled at that. His collect calls to her from the lobby kept her in the loop of the constant waiting game.

“Good. You’re meeting with a therapist too?”

The hedgehog nodded and broke his attention from his supper to watch a nurse pace by their table with a small paper cup of medication. The recipient in question popped the pills like candy and got back to his conversation. Rouge’s soft voice broke his trance.

“Hopefully he's given you some coping mechanisms.”

“I'm not sure how far breathing and tapping will get me through the urge to just cut my throat open.”

He had been recognized only by one other Mobian, an older weasel who went by Lloyd and spent his spare time power walking circles around the nurses station. He had noticed Shadow and called him by name upon arrival. Lloyd had been in the facility for over a month now and was the self-designated father of other younger males, greeting Shadow with a package of cookies at his first meal.

Some others had been rumored to be residents for years. Having no other options for treatment and not wanting to pay the separate costs of a private home or apartment, Shadow didn’t blame them.

He took a sip of his lemonade and scratched subconsciously at the fur under his hospital bracelet. They'd almost taken away his inhibitors when he arrived, a nearly fatal error assuaged by a quick medical history search. He and Rouge had discussed the topic before during his previous trip to the hospital when he was known by a handful of nurses and doctors. He wasn’t exactly hard to miss, but the bat grew worried that her friend’s social status would cause his presence for a suicide attempt known to the public more enticing to share than upholding the law. Shadow assured her that they would just gather funds through GUN for a lawsuit and retire to the Bahamas with the damage compensation.

He nods toward a thin rabbit passing by and chatting with an avian friend.

“That girl has a monopoly on all colored pencils at the drawing table.”

“So if you wanted to color you'd have to ask her first?”

The thought spread a grin over his face. He set down his fork and called his half-eaten meal complete. “She works undercover for Crayola and sells dime bags of lead.”

They both shared a laugh. It never hurt to make light of his situation now that he was here. He didn’t have the heart to tell her about the more violent patients he heard late at night being awoken by nightmares and fighting against being dragged to a quiet room. He’d only seen the small cubicle of a padded chamber in passing and never wanted to know the extent of lashing out he would have to do in order to be locked in there. Shadow walked her to the front entrance toward the end of visitation hours, receiving a hug before she was escorted out. The hedgehog gave a curt greeting as he turned to see Lloyd stopped in his tracks.

“The wife?”

Shadow shook his head, digging through his bag of newly checked items, and tossed a pack of peanut butter crackers to the weasel.

“She might as well be.”

* * *

_'Hold him down.’_

_The black cloth strangled around his face held a strong fetor of what he assumed was either ammonia or urine at the time. He yells strings of profanities at the soldiers performing a routine check-in, praying that a more honorable member of GUN was within earshot. That hope was demolished as soon as he'd conjured it. All soldiers he'd come into contact with were vile._

_Hands press enough weight into his back to knock the air out of him as another pair jerk one of his bound legs back until the joints at his hips crack at the awkward angle they were pushed into. His spine contorts as the loosely chopped spines of his head are grabbed and pulled to distract from the searing agony of what he refuses to plead against._

_The Commander was well aware of his soldiers’ actions and couldn't give less of a shit than he already did. Even when reported from Shadow himself and good soldiers alike, the response was always a blind eye and an order to fall back or suffer more consequences._

_Shadow thrashes at the grip on his wrists. He growls and snarls in the direction of his assailants’ mockingly cute remarks toward his body. Increased weight on his back threatens to snap his bones._

_'Aw don't be like that. We’re just playin’ around.’_

_'Dogs get their asshole glands expressed, right? If anything we’re doing him a favor.’_

_Shadow fights the advances and snaps his tail down flush against his body to evade the soldiers’ advances._

_'Get the fuck off of me!’_

_His eyes and nose ran profusely, throat stinging and lungs aching from trying to catch his breath through the fabric over his nose and mouth. His captor pulls back on the fabric’s knot to stretch tighter across his skin. Something suddenly pushes into him. He was never aware of how shrill his screams could sound until visits like these. His mind automatically travels to a better place to try and soothe himself from the realization of his predicament._

_Maria and Gerald safe and sound on Earth in a small home huddled up near the fireplace. Curled up in Maria’s lap as she scratched the back of his ears and watched a movie. Crickets chirping outside the sliding glass doors and Gerald flipping through a newspaper. Both humans in their night clothing ready for a restful sleep that night. Maria never having another fainting spell or fever or attack of nausea again. The both of them out in the garden where they farmed fresh vegetables to make into stew for supper._

_A short pull of his tail rips him from his fantasy and back to reality. He winces at the warm trail of blood that’s seeping down the backs of his thighs. Blows to his back from the butts of rifles form a copper taste on his tongue and the hedgehog sputters out thick saliva that coats the fabric concealing his vision. He cries out in the open, whimpering as his body is dropped back onto his cot._

_'Aw, that’s a good boy.’_

_His head is swimming now and he can’t lift his head from the bed. He barely notices his lower half being propped back up to his knees for the second of countless times. He can taste the savoriness of his own sweat and mucus trailing from his burning nostrils. The soldier behind him doesn’t hesitate to slide a hand up the curve of his hip and pull his tail to the side._

_'I want a turn with this little rat.’_

_He lays there on the thin mattress with his back twisted so his torso faces the wall he can’t see and lets his mind fall numb to the vapors choking his body._

Shadow nearly tumbled off his bed as he awoke to his own cries. Like always, Rouge was quick to rush into his room, flipping on his lamp and taking his hands to ask if he was alright. She knew the dream will come back in another week or so. It always did. He caught his breath and took a moment to ground himself in his surroundings before wrapping an arm around her and releasing weak sobs into her neck.

* * *

Due to his immortality, Shadow never really paid much attention to dates, as they were bound to become pointless to remember after centuries. However, there was one day he never failed to forget no matter how hard he tried. The scene kept replaying like a broken tape, skipping back to when the alarms started to scream though the ARK and blacking back out after the only thing he could see was the vast horizon of the Earth.

Rouge was also aware of today’s date, and she knew she was in for a hell of a situation when she returned to their shared apartment. The club owner entered her temporarily closed passion project to the locked away section of stairs at the back of the kitchen. With a deep breath, she placed her key into the deadbolt, turned it, and cautiously came into her living room.

She found him where he always was on this date: resting his head down at their tiny kitchen table and a half empty bottle of dark liquor at his side. It still hurt her heart to see her closest friend going through his yearly routine even though she’d been present for it the past 3 times. It never made it any easier. Rouge took her place at his side and rubbed his back. His body shook with his fight to breathe between snivels.

“I know, honey. I know you're hurting.”

Shadow lifted his face to burrow it into his palms. He couldn’t stop thinking about it, the blood staining her dress, the sound of her body hitting the floor.

“I need it to go away--I can’t...”

Tears stained the fur of his arms and pulled it in all different directions contrary to its regular sleek uniformity. The hedgehog suddenly bolted up from his chair and Rouge was quick to wrap her arms around him as he lunged for their block of knives next to the stove.

“Shadow, listen to me, you need to calm down.”

Said hedgehog's weight brought the both of them to their knees, her partner pleading with her behind sobs to let him go in all senses. He pressed against the bottom cabinets as she rose back to her feet.

“I can’t live through this any more, Rouge, please--”

He struggles for breath and tries to go for where their meat shears are and she slams the drawer shut as soon as he opens it.

“Let’s breathe together, okay? Like your new therapist told you.”

He rubs an eye with the back of his hand and ignores her attempts, a coughing fit overtaking him. Rouge is thankful that she knows him well enough to grab a nearby fruit bowl and shove it to his chest. The first time they went through the night together, her kitchen floor was covered before she knew what was happening. She helps gather a few strayed spines as he vomits liquid and gasps for air. She wiped the string of saliva from his lip with her free thumb and dries it on the towel over the stove handle. After a few more dry heaves, she set the bowl to the side and hooked her arms under his, picking him back onto his feet and arranging the kitchen so he was able to hold his head down at the table while occasionally spitting into the trash can.

He finally turned his head toward her, his eyes bloodshot and tired. His muzzle was damp from the fresh tears that kept running down them. She rubbed his back again and welcomed his embrace. The bat resented the anger that welled within her from earlier that day. It was more than a common conception that Shadow was a cold-hearted bastard only on missions for his own personal gain. She overheard a group of soldiers on their lunch break bitching over Shadow’s absence in their meeting with the Commander that day despite Abraham acknowledging his lack of attendance as a paid mental health day to her before his presentation. She fought every motherly instinct in her to not berate the shit out of the group complaining that Shadow ‘got to do whatever he wanted’ because he was so close to Towers. In reality, it plagued her mind that she was leaving him alone. If her intuition was correct, which it almost always was, he would wake up and try to drink himself into a stupor no matter what time of day it was, just to black himself out so they could avoid the current situation.

“You know I'm here for you. I always will be.” she assured as she leaned her head on his.

“It hurts so fucking bad--”

“I know, honey. Tomorrow will be better.”

* * *

“Have you ever told anyone else this story?”

Shadow sipped his coffee and chose to ignore the fact it had gone cold half an hour ago. His sessions usually ran for an hour of company-paid time, but the two Mobians had free schedules, allotting for a much more in-depth conversation. They stayed in the same office for almost three hours and snacked on mixed nuts or granola bars available from the front desk. Shadow doubted he would have the stomach to get down a regular meal after reliving his time in captivity anyway.

“No one but Rouge.”

Dietrich sat intently opposite of him, notebook discarded and body forward with intent. The reptile adjusted his glasses before extending a hand to his client. Shadow accepted it.

“I appreciate you feeling open enough with me to tell me something that brings you so much pain. It’s never easy to do something like that.”

“It isn't.” the hedgehog muttered in agreement.

“Are things under Commander Towers’ authority better for you or the same?”

“Much better. He was there during my phase testing and assured me those soldiers would be prosecuted, but I’m not sure if they were able to be identified.”

Shadow retreats back into the love seat to curl his body into a protective ball much like he would in battle. That and crouching under other structures were his only defense to discomfort or dread, and unfortunately for him he was no longer a child in the professor’s lab. Tucking himself away under his therapist’s desk was not something he as an adult could do anymore.

“I heard exposure therapy is the best way to get over a fear. I’d like to try it.”

Dietrich, who had a gift for tearing down the non-verbal language barrier of his profession, also took to leaning back into his chair with his legs crossed.

“What is it you’re afraid of, Shadow?”

His coffee remained bitter and cold no matter how hot his palms got.

“Being left alone with my thoughts.”

* * *

“I know you’re feeling hurt, and it’s normal to feel like this…” she starts and sits down in front of him on the floor of his bedroom. He was still in the pressed uniform he donned for important ceremonies and events. The alarm clock on his nightstand read that it was just past midnight, the silver and gold medal around his neck already forgotten. He couldn’t care less for gallantry awards and high ranks. He never deserved them in the first place. Rouge picked at a loose string at the hem of her dress nervously.

“I’m so tired.” he whispered, “I’m so exhausted of being put through this shit over and over again.”

The gala was short-lived, Shadow immediately heading home after the recognition ceremony. The warmth she’d gotten so used to searching for couldn’t be found in his eyes. She watched his ungloved fingers trace over the polished medal in his hands. Rouge was thanking herself for listening to the nagging voice in her head demanding that she check on him. She had only seen him like this once before, but it was still something that scared the hell out of her.

“It’s normal to reflect and feel upset, but there are other options for you than this.”

They should all know better than to think they could get him to open up and let out over 60 years of trauma.

Trauma.

No, trauma was getting stabbed to the internal organs or being hit with a car. It was the shellshock his newest teammates received after being ordered under Shadow’s own command to scout an enemy base as they were used for target practice. He had no trauma to claim for doing such things when he could have moved in first. Maria showed him the painful reality that humans were fragile creatures and he ignored it time and time again to send people that put their trust in him to their deaths.

The pistol was no longer holstered to his belt. Instead, it lay across his lap, aimed towards the wall for now. Rouge fought the flinch that came over her as he nonchalantly flipped the safety off.

“I need you to give it to me, Shadow.”

Would he be eligible for a military funeral? He was certain he never deserved such an honor dedicated to him. He wasn’t worth his ‘sacrifices’ that he brought upon Earth himself; the infiltration by members of his own blood that slaughtered millions, the countless lives lost or missing on missions he was part of, the questions from distraught mothers and fathers pleading to understand what happened to their sons. He couldn’t ever imagine the pain and anguish of things like physical therapy after having bullets strike his spine and render him nearly paralyzed, not to even dive into the financial burden upon the families compounded by grief of such an event. He wouldn’t blame GUN if they chose to cremate him and spread his ashes in the dirt where he belonged.

The panic began to rise in Rouge’s tone as he teased the muzzle over his lips, eyes still focused on the blank wall in front of him.

“ _Please,_ Shadow. I can’t bury you. You’re my best friend and there are so many people that’ll ask me where you are.”

“Why does it matter? They’re all better off without me sending them to their graves. It’s a miracle I haven’t killed you off too.”

“You did the right thing even though it was difficult to do. We saved three civilians from a hostage situation and you were commended for it.”

“At the cost of 4 soldiers. Probably the 5th as well if he doesn’t make it through the night.”

Shadow takes a breath and taps his finger over the trigger, toying with the idea to finish the job quicker rather than thinking over it. He knew Rouge would be upset to see him go and he had enough funds saved from paychecks for her to inherit that she could have more than enough to have his body disposed of and blood cleaned from the ceiling. Maria wouldn’t be the happiest with him either. It pained him that he wasn’t able to fulfill her promise, but hopefully things would be different when he got to stay with her in their little cottage on the countryside, gardening tomatoes together and napping as the professor read his paper. After all, it only made sense that the three of them go out by execution; the only difference was that Shadow was more than willing to die.

“I can’t explain this to Omega.”

That’s what it took to snap his gaze over to Rouge’s, the realization making his heart ache more than before. Something as sudden as this wouldn’t compute to Omega. In his data banks, Shadow’s immortal. To suggest his death would be a paradox and possibly bring the machine he loved down with him as his logic coding would be overwhelmed searching for the answer to something so asinine.

He lowered the pistol from his lips and slowly clicked the safety back on before placing it on the carpet between them. Rouge gratefully took the weapon to stash it away. Arms were around him again but this time out of relief rather than restraint.

“Don’t scare me like that again.”

The sorrow dripping in her voice brought tears to his eyes again. How could he allow himself to affect her this strongly? He wrapped his arms around her as well and followed in his familiar apologies.

He _was_ sorry for who he had become in the past years of their friendship, if he was being honest. Despite their differences and her limited timeline, she’d probably be one of the most important people in his life. He couldn’t just leave her like he wished to so desperately.

Rouge knew it would happen again in time. Maria’s death would roll around like it did every year and more soldiers would die and Shadow’s strong front would crumble again. She only hoped he would have the mechanisms needed to overcome his grief when she too left him.


End file.
